Blue-Lit Songs: A Brief Survey

What makes a sexy song? It's admittedly somewhat subjective. First, of course, there's sexy by context. That is, if you've had sex to it, it may forever seem sexy to you. The association alone could do it, which is why perhaps you find "Yes We Have No Bananas" dead sexy. I certainly won't hold it against you--we all know it's a Pavlovian response.

Then there's a song like Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback." It's just too obvious. Granted, it's a pretty great song and also he has a sense of humor ("I'm bringin sexy back/them other boys don't know how to act"), but still, too obvious.

Positive reinforcement, the painfully obvious and unimaginative, as well as weird predilections aside, there are certain reliable criteria for the sexy song: 1. Rhythm and bass (you know what I'm getting at so I won't elaborate) and/or grinding guitar; 2. Lyrics; 3. Vocal timbre. Some songs have got it in spades on all these levels, some songs on one or two levels, and some are sexy on two levels but the third is so unsexy that it cancels out the other two and renders the song impotent. It's complicated business here.

So, Sarge and I spent an hour with our MacBooks, dueling it out over itunes. I'm lucky that Sarge, like me, is always game to discuss music--neither one of us is content just to listen, it must be also dissected and deconstructed. That's just how we rock and roll.

So to begin with, here are some songs that, after argument, got tucked into the Unsexy file:


UNSEXY

1. Mystery Train by Elvis Presley. It had the vocal timbre, pure maddening sex, but ultimately made me feel funny and not in a good way. Sarge fought for this one on the basis of suggestive lyrics, smoky vocals, and driving beat, all three. I couldn't get past the Elvis part (not that I don't love Elvis, but his voice is just too iconic, and the choice I feel would bring unwitting irony to the bedroom).

2. Majesty by Madrugada. It had two of the three components--a moody insistent guitar (which Sarge maintains the ladies love, and he's probably right but not in all cases), a 3/4 octave range all in the sexy octave--God, does that singer whoever he is have the vocal balls--but then ultimately failed me in the lyrics. It starts out well with the question "Am I good or bad?" which is a terrific come on line, but then makes the fatal mistake with this line: "we cried and we cried on the phone." Dude, noooooo! You can't cry, there will be no man-weeping, what a turn-off (again, this is subjective, some of you may enjoy it when your man cries, who am I to judge). Sarge didn't care for the crying either, although he thought its sheer laziness was sort of appealing, so it was cut with high honors.

3. Breakfast in Bed sung by Dusty Springfield. Cut, again, for the lyrics which tell us about her man weeping right there in the first line: "You've been crying, your face is a mess." Come on now, pull yourself together, that's no way to show up at your lover's door. Man up!

4. Anything by The Who. They are practically our favorite band, but I argued "too cerebral" and Sarge felt they were on a different plane entirely from the humdrum of human sexuality. Sarge said "Pete Townshend thinks that sex is for girls." Originally, we had two Who contenders. I thought that "Naked Eye" might do it. After all, the first line goes "take a little dope, and walk out in the air,/ the stars are all connected to the brain/find me a woman, and lay down on the ground/ her pleasure comes falling down like rain." But it spirals rapidly into black depression, and maybe that's not a characteristic desirable in the sexy song.

I also love "Love Ain't for Keeping" because I think that, like James Joyce's "Ulysses," it's an anthem to the power that sex can still hold even over a very long-lived relationship. I mean, I can't totally ignore a song with a line like this:

Layin' on my back
In the newly mown grass
Rain is coming down
But I know the clouds will pass
You bring me tea
Say "the babe's a-sleepin'"
Lay down beside me
Love ain't for keeping

But then Sarge told me that Keith Moon used to put a paper bag over his head when they played this in concert, so embarrassed was he by the maudlinity of it...

5. Bruce Springsteen--two songs were in contention: "Candy's Room," which is fantastic but ultimately too much like the guttural musings of a stalker, and "For You." "For You" contains the following line, one of the most suggestive in the pop music canon: "Remember when I poured salt on your tongue/and hung just out of reach." But ultimately the song is just much too jaunty to join one in the bedroom, we both agreed.

There were many more that didn't make the cut, but let me proceed to some of those which by mutual agreement did:


SEXY (check out the sidebar for your listening pleasure...or dismay...are you with us or against us, people?)

1. Several from the Rolling Stones: No surprise here that the Stones have often achieved sexiness across all three criteria. Sarge and I agreed on

a. "No Use Crying"--see, he's not crying! Those other weepers can take a lesson from him. And that falsetto? Oh yes.
b. "Loving Cup"--just. sexy. so. sexy. If you've never heard this song, go to the sidebar and give it a listen. I think it's one of the best songs ever written.
c. "Can't You Hear Me Knocking"--for the rhythm and lyrics and vocal quality. Again, go listen to it. For me this one just so completely obviously makes the cut.
d. "Worried about You"--again, all three criteria. Falsetto and effective little gasps. Mick's the master of the effective little gasp. Rhythm. Lyrics.

2. "Statesboro Blues" by Blind Willie McTell. Yes, he's blind. Yes, he's been dead for like a thousand years (okay not really). Yes, he sings in a very peculiar octave. But when Willie asks "Wake up mama, turn your lamp down low/ have you got the nerve to drive Papa McTell from your door?" I answer, "why no, I do not have the nerve to drive you from my door." Hell, not even Sarge has the nerve to drive him away.

3. "Baby Let Me Follow You Down" by Bob Dylan. Very early Dylan. Misleading in its gentle acoustic-ness and simple quatrains. Has some pretty potent stuff in there: "Can I come home with you?/ Baby, can I come home with you?/ Well, I'd do anything in this god-almighty world/ if you just let me come home with you." So, yes, Sarge and I let him come home with us.

4. "Visions of Johanna" by Bob Dylan--this was on the line. But we both had to agree that it is a sexy song. Beautiful. Haunting. Like poetry. But sexy. See? Poetry can be sexy. Just look at John Donne.

5. "Rock n' Roll with Me" by David Bowie. From "Diamond Dogs," which is a harrowing, dark, literary, and sexy glam rock odyssey. Some might argue, but Sarge and I have long had this in our canon. (although Bowie does mention that he's "in tears again," somehow I don't believe it, so it's okay.)

6. "Sweet Thing" by David Bowie, off the same album. I admit to being nearly overcome when he sings "I'm glad that you're older than me/ makes me feel important and free/ does that make you smile?/ Isn't that...me?" But it requires a great deal of stamina, as it's quite a long song. Stamina that some might not possess! Just saying.

Of course that's just a sample of our playlist.

And I'm sure I haven't convinced you of the sexy merits of some of these, but no worries, ultimately to each his own.

Of course I'll leave with a question: what from your personal playlist makes the sexy cut for you?

UPDATED: A very insightful reader has suggested "Ball and Biscuit" by The White Stripes. Yes, yes, and oh my goodness yes. Enjoy here with caution.