The Penis Book: A Report

I've had this glossy, compelling little tome since last year, when I won it in a contest over at MJ's place. How did I win it? I cleverly identified a photo of a very very nice well-groomed and appealing appendage belonging to...well, in the interests of propriety I won't say to whom it belonged, but anyway, I guessed correctly. I don't know how; I just had a feeling about it, a mystical connection, if you will, to this disembodied penis. I was proud to what some might call an unseemly degree; I think it was one of my finest moments of womanly intuition. And who knew then what I know now: the brave and possibly exhibitionistic owner turned out to be a charming friend indeed...

But enough about that, let's take a peek at the book.

By Joseph Cohen, who has a good sense of humor. It's a motley collection of anecdotes, slang, history, and pictures. Here are some highlights:

Funny: Landon, a random interviewee, discussing his penis named Perky: "Perky could definitely use some extra girth. I'd like it to be more of a handful when I grab it, like a Sicilian dockworker's, even though I'm Jewish."

Very funny: masturbation euphemisms, including "shaking hands with the governor" and "roughing up the suspect."

Gross: discussion of "schmegma." Simply put, no. I skipped this section.

Very gross: ingredients, caloric and protein content of ejaculate. I'll swallow it, but as with Cheetos, I don't want to know what's in it.

Smarmy--a quote from the perenially sappy fave, "Lady Chatterley's Lover": "and now he's tiny, and soft like a little bud of life!" That book is dreck, and probably shouldn't ever be quoted. Even as a teenager, I recognized how Constance emasculated her gardener. This had no place in The Penis Book. Plus, the editor didn't catch the misspelling of "Chatterley."

Subjective: the section entitled "guaranteed turn-ons." Includes "letting the neighbors watch you in action" (no), "the thrill of an affair" (hell no), "the sound of a wailing saxophone" (fuck no), "a slap across the ass" (yes), "a kiss that never ends" (never?! what about when it's dinnertime?), "your lover shampooing your hair" (sure!)...you get the point.

Beautiful? Maybe: the a-ma-zing penis tattoos. Wow.

Anyway, I recommend this book as great fun for an evening. But if you have children it definitely needs to go up on the top shelf with the R. Crumb, the Tijuana Bibles, and any other dubious adult fare...

And after a thorough perusal, I was left with a greater question: do I like penises anyway? I mean, do I really, objectively, like them?

I have concluded that I have mixed feelings. I love my own penis--I mean the one that I have access to at home. But it's sort of a devil-you-know affection...